Learning to Live with the Big C

There is something inside me that produced (or produces) cancer. It turned up as Kidney Cancer last year. Now my question and my fear is - will it show up as something else soon?

I don’t know. No one knows. You can tell me I’ll be fine, but you don’t know.

It’s so good to talk with other cancer survivors or fighters. There are things we understand that the rest of you don’t, can’t or won’t until you too have a doctor put a big “C” on your head.

We used to be men who feared little. Any fear was managed or covered up. Now our fear is pervasive and unmanageable. It shows up as insecurity and worry. This fear has become obvious to those who love us most. It makes us look weaker than we like to think of ourselves. Our changed outlook brings tears and depression.

Fear and paranoia are always knocking at the door of our minds trying to gain access. A persistent pain whispers in our ears that the cancer has spread, when it fact it’s just ageing or too much exercise or something ordinary that feels extraordinary. The wait for the next scan feels interminable.

Cancer has been described as something you learn to live with or around. That cohabitation doesn’t end with remission or 'cure'. Learning to live, knowing that little enemy may still be inside, is our reality now.



Adapted with thanks from Rick Dancer (2011)