Halfway House

Recovering from surgery and a couple of weeks in hospital is not easy. Progress is slow and seems imperceptible, as you have few accurate measures. You are not ill enough to need nursing care but you are not well enough to lead a normal independent life. You are on a passage between these two states. The defining characteristics of this journey are disorientation, discomfort and frustration. Your passage contains elements of what you are losing and what you are gaining. You are inching your way in-between.

My wound remains sore; less so than before, but I am still taking my full allowance of painkillers. I can walk further and more easily, but I still need help putting my shoes on. I continue to wear jogging bottoms as I can’t bear trousers because the hard waistband catches my wound. I’ve just started driving short journeys in the car; operating the controls isn’t difficult but the holes in the road still jog the wound painfully. I have to wear a pillow between me and the seatbelt. The guts are still very sensitive and I’m continuing to eat soft food and small meals, but I have gained a couple of pounds.

Rex the collie dog is my regular companion on walks down the lane. He’s always pleased to see me and is ready for a walk. He rushes on ahead and often diverts into fields to follow scents or to chase a rabbit. He’s curious about the world but seems to be afraid of sheep and cattle (a bit of a disadvantage for a farm dog). He has two most unsavoury habits. He loves to roll in fox shit. It is black and very smelly and makes him honk something terrible. And he loves to chase cars. When I hear a vehicle coming down the lane I have to grab his collar or he will be after it in a flash trying to bite the wheels. I shout and whistle to try and divert him, but he only stops when the vehicle outpaces him.

I’ve become frustrated with daytime TV, but I haven’t yet got back into reading. My latest diversion is internet surfing. I’ve been watching old episodes of classic programmes such as Steptoe and Son, Spike Milligan and The Two Ronnies. I imagine that a serial about the humorous co-dependency between a father and son, who are rag and bone men, would not get very far with commissioning editors these days. I noticed that Leonard Rossiter appeared in several of the early episodes.

My journey of recovery continues and I am doing my best to find a good way forward through the confusion. I researched rites of passage in organisations for my PhD, so I should know a good bit about this topic. The key source was the anthropologist Victor Turner, who also wrote about drama and performance. On my desk I have a figurine of a man with a red and yellow striped body and a black, red and white striped face and headdress. He is the Mwengo, a shaman who leads the boys out of the bush after they have completed their tribal rite of passage; he takes them back to the village as young men. I got him in Zambia.

I’m not sure who will be leading me out of my discomfort and into normal life. I have a review appointment with the Oncologist next week. Somehow, I don’t think it will be her.